I can honestly say that I am about to graduate with my bachelor's degree, and still don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm one of those. Some days I think I want to be a writer. Other days I want to work in a big city in some high profile, corporate position. Sometimes I think I want to move somewhere far away and completely new, but then strong waves of realization remind me I'm a homebody and couldn't be far away from the people I love. When it comes down to it, I don't know what I want to do with my life but, when it comes down to it, I think that's okay. I've still got time. There is nothing wrong with dreaming, right? When the right dream comes along, I like to think I'll be able to tell. I'll snatch it down and make it happen, but for now, I'm a dreamer.
That being said, I've also come to the realization lately that I need to make some changes. I don't necessarily like the person I am right now. I think, sometimes, we get so far into a hole that we don't even realize we're in one. Some holes are easy to get out of, but then some of them become a part of us after enough time until we lose sight of an exit. I'm in a hole. I can admit that. If I'm being completely honest, I think I've got myself stuck in several holes right now. Some of these holes have taken me further away from the things I know are most important to my heart. My Savior. The gospel. The happiness and security that comes with the steadiness of the truth I was brought up in. Is it possible that when we separate ourselves from something long enough, we lose any sense of remorse or guilt? I think it's fair to say that we do. Or at least that we can. I don't want to continue that spiral. I see my friends and loved ones living lives of happiness, prosperity, love, and hope. All things that come with a close relationship with the Lord. A relationship I've had and explored on occasion throughout my life, but never taken the time to truly nurture and appreciate. To expand. To deepen. I've never allowed it to really enter my heart and change the behaviors that I'm not proud of. I've never allowed myself to let go and put my trust in the principles I've been taught. When I step back and look at it, I know it's because I am a proud person. A proud person who favors the opinions of the world more than that of my Heavenly Father and Savior, and even though it's hard to admit that, I know that's the first inch of the rope that I'm going to have to make to get myself out of these holes.
I may not know what I want to do with my life in terms of a career or where I'd like to live, but I do know that I'm not headed towards the kind of spiritual future I know I really want, and right now that's important to me. I need to go to church more often. Read the scriptures more often. Communicate with my Father in Heaven and allow the Spirit to not only guide me, but reside with me. The list of my faults, concerns, and shortcomings could surely go on much longer than I've done, but the underlying realization I've made is that I need to keep looking for ways to climb out of the holes I'm in, I need to put in the effort in all aspects of my life, and I need to keep dreaming.
